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How To Never Argue Ever Again in 3 Simple Steps!
Does this sound familiar? You love your spouse/partner/partner more than anyone else.
But, when you argue, you end up in a game of name-calling, insults, character assassination, yelling, screaming, swearing, and everything else in between.
Why does this seem like the biggest blow to the most passionate relationship?
Conflict is part and parcel of any great relationship. There will always be times when you disagree. Debate can actually help a strong relationship take the next developmental step. It can also put the final nails in a weak person’s coffin.
The issue is not arguing as such but the poor way most of us behave when we are doing it. The result is that we feel empty, depressed, depressed, anxious, disconnected and insecure.
You know that feeling in your stomach and that pain in your heart? Doesn’t it hurt!
An argument often starts after trying to communicate something that is bothering you and still ends up being a big barney argument because of the negative effects that we try so hard to avoid.
The problem with avoiding potential arguments is that problems are also ignored, and problems persist.
So wouldn’t it be great if you could argue without those negative side effects?
Well you can… but it takes practice and patience and it’s much easier to achieve if you’re both on the same page.
Communication is the most important function of a relationship and therefore it is my mission to help as many people as I can improve theirs.
By using these 3 simple steps to stop arguing, you’re sure to start a better conversation than you ever thought possible.
Step #1: Never argue when you are angry or upset.
This is the absolute most important rule to follow. When your blood is boiling and you want to rip your loved ones head off it’s time to stop. You both need to be calm.
When you’re angry you can’t think straight and you might say something you don’t really mean. This is also the case of violence towards each other.
Whether it is verbal, emotional or physical violence, they are all equally abusive. The negative effects of this type of domestic violence are well documented and no one should live in fear of this phenomenon.
Take a time! Walk or run, watch a movie, read a book or magazine. You have to do whatever it takes to calm down. Stay away for at least 20 minutes to help lower your heart rate.
I think at least an hour works best, but make sure you set a time to come together to problem solve and make up.
Personally I love going for a drive. I turn on the music and scream my lungs out. No one in the car can hear me and I let out my frustration by yelling.
It feels good and once I drive around the block and take a look at the ocean I feel very calm and ready to talk again.
Step #2: Don’t blame, finger point or ‘kitchen sink’.
You know how it feels to be attacked. The first thing you do is go straight to defense and shut down.
You can’t listen, you don’t want to listen and you have no interest in the other person’s point of view. So don’t do it to anyone else.
All their past indiscretions to ‘sink the kitchen’ are completely counterproductive. What happened in the past must remain in the past. You don’t need to build a case against them.
You just need to address the issue. Dumping all of their past mistakes on them at once will create more defensiveness and further distance your lines of communication.
Stick to the same issue. Just deal with one issue at a time, that way you both won’t feel overwhelmed. You will have a great ability to solve problems by focusing alone and you will be able to find solutions.
Kitchen – The sink was a real problem for me. I could never stick to one topic and my husband would become defensive and completely shut down. Once I realized it wasn’t going to help bring up the problems we already dealt with I stopped.
Now our communication channels remain open and we are able to discuss what we need with more compassion and empathy.
Tell me how you feel. When you are upset by something your partner has done and instead of blaming them for everything bad they have done, think about the issue and how it made you feel.
By expressing your feelings, being vulnerable and open, you give the other person a chance to empathize with you and your feelings. Feeling this empathy helps to remove the argument and allows them to see things from your side as well.
Step #3: Stop trying to win. Why do we often treat our loved ones as vicious rivals, stopping at nothing to ‘win’ the boxing match? The problem with fighting to win is that when there is a winner and a loser, the only real loser is the relationship.
Instead of trying to win, why not try to listen? Listening is the most important part of communication and few of us are able to listen well. Our mind wanders, we think about something else and we are forming our response before we even hear what is being said.
Really listen. Listening is a skill that takes practice and patience. Often when someone tells you their grievances, they don’t want to hear excuses or solutions, they just want to know that they’ve been heard and understood.
Try to keep your thoughts to yourself and acknowledge what they’re saying by letting them know how you’re listening. they feel
There is nothing more powerful than the feeling of understanding and knowing that others can see your point of view – even if they don’t agree with it.
Given that I’m rather opinionated and generally have loads of advice, I’ve developed a strategy that helps me understand when my opinion is warranted and when it’s not.
Before I start offering my advice I ask my client/loved one if they want to hear my advice or if they want to hear me.
It works really well and then it’s clear to both of us what the motivation is behind them revealing what they are to me, plus I know exactly how to respond.
A win/win solution. Once you hear each other’s point of view (really listen) then you will be in a better position to be able to compromise and find a solution that works for both of you.
The solution needs to accommodate both of your needs and have the same level of compromise. When you find a solution that is a win/win for both of you the real winner is your relationship.
You will both feel strong, confident, equal and safe and there will be no residual anger left to harbor in the future.
Being in any relationship, especially the intimate relationship of marriage or life partnership, will see it’s fair share of ups and downs.
Anyone can indulge and enjoy themselves when everything is rosy, but when the proverbial hits the fan is when the true power of partnership comes to the fore.
Communicating creatively using the steps above will give you a much greater chance of being heard and understood. That way you’ll be able to get a solution that you’re both happy with and 100% willing to participate in.
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